Recently I've been giving thought to how to raise kids by giving them respect and freedom of personal choice, to the degree that is appropriate to their age and maturity (wherein of course, lies the sand trap). We so often hear that we are supposed to treat our children with the same consideration and respect that we expect from them and others. I couldn't agree more however, however, that isn't done by giving children free reign with out appropriate limitations, boundaries or knowledge of their situation. The respect isn't found so much in what is or isn't said, but in the quality of our presence when we are with our children. Being who I am, when faced with the question of where those freedoms and limitations lay, I of course, led myself straight off to an analogy involving God and our interactions with him, as his 'children'. Don't ask me why. It may be "my" head, "my" thought process, etc. but god definitely has a hand at the rudder and I've learned my life functions best when I go with the (his, whatever) flow. Which is a good segue, actually. See how that works?
Just like God at the Helm and just like our freewill (which is one of the most gracious, ingenious, awe inspiring of gifts), We as parents need to be at the helm, in different forms, at different times to guide our children. And then too, the hardest part, is that ultimately, no matter how well meant our intentions, no matter how correct in function and application our logic is (or would be, if only they would listen), we have to be constantly aware that although they may indeed be our children, they do not belong to us. I know, I know heresy, how can I say that, right? I mean, it at least seems like they do or should, for all the hard work and effort we put into making sure they turn out "good or right". But the thing is, there's no 'loophole' in Gods contract with us. If we, as grown, self sustaining adult human beings have the blessing of freewill, that’s all and good, but guess what? Just like we have always had that blessing, from our first breath upon this earth and probably well before that, so too do our own children. And as any parent of a child older than 2 years of age will tell you, we KNOW this. Even if we don't WANT to know it, or wish to acknowledge it, our children make sure they get the message across load and clear.
The thing is, when you take a step back and for even just a moment let go of your child, let go of your intentions, wishes, desires, hopes for him, then step back into your own childhood mind, to the you who was, before all of this business of living created what you are today, you are offered this rare glimpse of the universal perspective or truth, that shapes us all. What is the strongest energy, thought or feeling that you remember? I'd bet anyone, anywhere, from any time, any place, any family situation, if they are able to be completely honest with themselves will say, it was a feeling of wanting to be free to control your own world. It may come in many different shapes, sizes, boxes, insights etc., but boiled down to the most basic, elemental drive it was a desire to make your own choices. It may have come in the form of at the age of 2, wishing everyone would quit making you wear clothing, and stripping at every opportunity. It may have been being able to never, ever, not even one more time, have to eat broccoli. Maybe you were extremely cognizant and simply felt that all this being a kid, following everyone else's program, rules etc., was just such a colossal waste of your very important time, because you already knew you had things to do and places you needed to be. Can you take a minute and try this, I mean really truly go back to that earliest place of conscious memory and see if this isn't "God's" Honest Truth.
Once I was able to realize all of this and really truly put myself back there, I was then able to come back to my relationship with my children with a genuinely Brand New Perception. Of everything I've ever done as a parent, more than the diapers, the vomit, the worries over their emotional state and well being, the disobedience and yucky task of practicing discipline with myself and them, more even than trying to help them to see that every single thing I do, say and enforce, is there to help and protect them, way beyond all of that, the hardest thing I've had to do, over and over and over, is to let go of them, a little bit at a time, and acknowledge that they are their own person no matter what I say or do and have an existence completely separate from me. At times it feels as if your heart is being ripped from you, and you can't articulate past that huge lump in your throat. It inspires a feeling beyond any of the pain, fear or terrors you've gone thru with your child to date, because it means you have to admit they've been growing up, apart and away from you, from the moment you gave birth, and there is not one single thing, on this entire planet, that you can do to stop or change that. And to top that off, if you are to be a "good" parent and do your job, you're supposed to be facilitating the process for them. Isn't that a #@$%^?
Which lead me back to god and our mutual relationship. Unlike us, with specific, somewhat controllable parameters and numbers, god has children to infinity and back again, to take thru that same process, again and again. And if we are to be honest, we all at one point or another (just like our own children) fight him tooth and nail, make him more or less drag us kicking and screaming to wherever or whatever it is we are meant to be here for, to do with this lifetime. The thing is, the dynamic between us and god and between us and our children is the same. We know our children inside and out, they came from within us, they were one and the same as us for a short amount of time. If we are open minded and hearted, ask our children or even just watch and listen to them, we can see where they want to go. And because we know them so well, if they would just slow down a bit, listen to some of our very hard earned wisdom, we could help guide them, support them on their way to wherever it is THEY, want to go, what they wish to become.
Thing is, you have to practice the same act in your own personal relationship with your creator. You have to be willing to let go, and give over your own will to god's, in the spirit of complete trust and confidence, with the simple knowing faith (yup the "F" Word) that he knows exactly where you want to go and if you'll just let him, will help you realize your intentions, destination thru the least painful and most direct route. You have to come to a point were you realize god has no desire to MAKE you do, be or go anywhere that you do not choose to go. Hence the Free Will part. The relinquishing of your will to his does not mean you are no longer responsible for or creating your own existence. You are not succumbing to some pre-ordained, choice less existence, not even close. When you accept and allow divine guidance and yes, occasionally intervention in your life, you are actually saying "yes"! At full volume to the entire universe. You know, as human beings we have access to this incredible gift and opportunity to put ourselves and our lives under divine protection and blessing, if only we are willing to listen, look for and receive it gracefully.
The thing you will discover once you truly do this, make this commitment to allow divine protection and intervention in your life, everything, every single moment in your life going forward is altered. You will find that one of the things that will change the most noticeably and almost effortlessly (for me at least) is, come on you already feel the truth in your heart as you sit there reading this, your relationship with your children. Funny thing is, when you give up the need to impose your will on everything around you, and instead become willing to simply let things be and go at their natural pace and development, everything begins to come to you in a way that seems somehow to be right and to fit with your chosen direction you wish your life to proceed in. For me, I began to find that instead of feeling this almost panicky need to enforce my will, my picture, my intentions, my anything on my children, I felt more at ease with just stepping back a little more and seeing what they were going to do on their own in any given situation. Rather than telling them what they should, needed, absolutely must do (because their whole lives would be messed up from that point out if they didn't, right?), I realigned my perception of who my children are, what they are capable of and above all, what was most important to them in their lives. I began to listen, ask and discover what they believed in, what they thought their strengths were. I went from telling them what they should believe in and live by, to asking them what they believed and how they wanted to live their lives.
The most amazing part of the whole process was the incredible dialog that has been established between my children and I. When I finally stopped long enough to ask them what they knew and believed in, I had some of the most deep, intriguing, intellectually stimulating conversations I've ever had in my entire life, bar none. I ended up finding out that although we sometimes see things differently, underneath those things, these were the children I'd always hoped I'd raise. They turned out to already be thoughtful, insightful, to have a fully developed and intact moral code of ethics they lived by and a built in radar for sensing any thing "out there" that doesn't align with their needs or was bad, dangerous or unhealthy for them. Go figure, I was actually doing the right things this entire time and all I had to do was trust that what I had tried to teach them, pass down to them was indeed being received.
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