On Self Denial and Being Connected

Copy of LAST Post on October 23rd

I find the human capability to exist in a state of blindness and denial of our true inner selves and motivations is so strange. It’s like we have this capability to go thru life without actually seeing our own reality , going thru the motions of what we’ve been told is a “normal”, acceptable way to live, sometimes without ever realizing what truly drives us. I think that is because a lot of us underestimate the resilience of the human mind. We think we are more vulnerable then we actually are, that if we delve into all that “unconscious” stuff, some irreparable damage might be done. So a lot of us try to function at a very superficial level and avoid looking at what we hold inside of ourselves.
That and the fact that trying to live your life as an awake, aware, mutable, complex being is very hard work. It’s scary, it’s painful, it’s risky. It means acknowledging our past, our failures, our fears, our weaknesses and then accepting them. It means taking full responsibility for all the parts of ourselves, not just the parts we like and are comfortable with. And most of all it means risking failure, rejection, ridicule and being willing to step out into the unknown without having any idea or guarantees as to what will happen or where you will end up.
It means you have to have a deep, strong inner faith in your own strength and abilities and the belief that everything will unfold as it should. You have to be willing to let go of the reigns, to let go of the need to control the outcome of events. All of that is very foreign and even unacceptable to a lot of us.
It’s funny, despite this tendency toward self ignorance, I’ve always tried to have a somewhat long range view of life. All along I’ve done “spot checks” where I’ve looked back on my life and attempted to see and understand the connections between the events in my life leading up to where ever I was at that point.. I’ve also made it a habit to review and try to understand the choices I made, what they were based on and how they effected the end results.
There were times where, in hindsight, it was perfectly clear what had occurred and why. Other times, I just couldn’t see it, didn’t get it. It was like I felt the existence of a larger pattern, but couldn’t quite grasp it. At times it felt like if I pushed too hard it would be like stretching a rubber band past its limit until it broke. At other times it felt like I was being spoon fed knowledge, like I was so close but understanding came so slowly. It was as if there was this filmy curtain between me and what I most needed to see. I used to feel so frustrated because I felt like it was all knowable, definable if I just had the key.
Looking back from my current state, I see things much differently and more clearly. Now I get that I was being guided and protected. I guess it took this long, because I wasn’t ready until now, was unable to remove those blinders. It’s ironic, only when I came to a place where I could admit and accept that there are just some things we can never fully understand and that’s ok, did I truly begin to understand the most important things of all. Now when I look back over my life, I finally can see the patterns and connections, the course of my development, the underlying foundation and motivators, the why of it all.
Its so awe inspiring and humbling when you are able to step back to see the incredible complexity of your own existence. For me, if I ever had any doubts as to a creating, life giving, illuminating, omnipotent universal force and energy, they are completely dispelled. Without one, our lives would just be a series of unrelated, unconnected, random events, with no cause and effect, that lead no where. I see now, more than ever, the beautiful synchronicity of all events. My belief that there are no accidents or coincidences, that everything happens for a reason and serves a higher purpose is stronger than ever.
The power that results from this, is that I now know there is absolutely nothing to fear, inside or outside of myself. I feel freed, I feel connected to a force so strong and all encompassing that I never have to be afraid again. I know now I can handle any loss, any pain, any disappointment, that whatever is to come will just make me stronger, more whole, complete, connected and centered in this existence. It all serves a purpose, its all grist for the mill, I can only become more than I am today, as I go forward.